Alternate pitch to the show West Wing, circa 1991.

Producer:        Ah, come in Duncan.  We’re thinking about launching a show called the West Wing.  Its about this really smart Democrat president – like Nobel prize winning smart – and he has this really smart but eccentric staff working for him.  His name is Josiah, but he’s called Jed Bartlet.

Writer:             No, that’s way too fluffy. He has to be a people’s man.  Everyone should love him.  Let’s call him Bill.

Producer:        Yeah, OK – he’s Bill, and he has this smart staff.

Writer:             And one of them is called Monica.

Producer:        Yeah, whatever.

Writer:             And Monica blows Bill in the oval office.

Producer:        Yeah, but if … WHAT?!

Writer:             No really – the King of Spain is waiting for President Bill, but Bill keeps the King waiting because Monica is giving Bill a hummer in the Oval Office

Producer:        Hmmm, this could work.  Go on.

Writer:             So Bill blasts all over Monica’s face and dress, ushers Monica out the side door, zips up, and then invites the King of Spain in – like all smiles and shit.  Anyway, the Republicans find out about Bill’s blow jobs, and they create a big mother of a scandal.

Producer:        Scandal – Good.  We can’t show the money shot, though.

Writer:            Doesn’t matter.  The Republicans win the next election.  No wait – they steal the election, because they don’t actually win it.  They steal it because the Republican president candidate’s brother is already a governor in Florida, and Florida is the swing state, and his brother fixes the Florida vote.

Producer:        This isn’t Istanbul, you know.  This is the United States of America – no one will believe a shred of what you just said.

Writer:            No wait, it gets better.  The new Republican president is dumb as a post.  Like I mean retard dumb – like he can’t put two sentences together.

Producer:       Are you insane?!  You don’t know the first thing about American politics.  Okay, Reagan wasn’t a Mensa, but he was by no means dumb.  I think you should get out of my office and leave us to this West Wing show now.

Writer:             Hold on, it gets better.  So, like, not even a year goes by, and America is attacked on its own soil.

Producer:        Whoa!  This is getting beyond ridiculous.  Who would even think about attacking us on our own soil.  Come on, really, what have you been smoking.  We’d kill anything – EVERYTHING – before it got within a hundred miles of our shores.

Writer:             Not by tanks and guns and shit, but by Muslim extremists who hijack all these commercial jet planes full of passengers and fuel and they take over the cockpits and fly the planes into the world trade towers, the pentagon, and the capital building.

Producer:        Cool!  Completely impossible – it will never happen – but imagine the special effects.

Writer:            Whatever.  So anyway, this dumb president is so stupid that after the attack, he invades the wrong country! He invades Iraq, even though …

Producer:       YOU STUPID DOLT!  There isn’t a moron alive that will believe that.  I can’t put that in front of the executives.  They’ll laugh me out of my office.

Writer:             No, it gets better.  So after that, a big – Like I mean massive hurricane hits the US southern border – I call it Katrina – and it smashes all the levies in New Orleans, and the whole city drowns under water.

Producer:        Where do you get these outrageous ideas.  You don’t know the first thing about urban planning and shit – that’ll never happen in the US – Bangladesh, maybe.

Writer:            So the New Orleans Stadium is the only dry ground in the whole city, and so they put everyone – like I mean EVERYONE – in the stadium – they empty the jails, because they’re under water too, and they put like rapists – death row murder inmates – along with the general population, into the stadium.  It turns into the worst nightmare anyone could ever conceive.  Thousands of people die because there is no aid, no shelter, no help for weeks.

Producer:        You are one twisted, sick prick.  You have to be, like, psychotic or something to come up with demented ideas like this. 

Writer:            No wait – so this president is so dumb – remember – retard stupid – that he puts his moron friend in charge of FEMA – you know – the disaster guys – so like this moron knows nothing – I mean N O T H I N G – about emergencies or disaster management – in fact, all he knows about is horse breeding.  So when Katrina hits, FEMA just stands around with its thumb up its ass and watches while hardened convicts gang rape whole families at the Stadium, and meanwhile …

Producer:        YOU CLUELESS MORON!!!  YOU’RE the retard!  Where have you been living in the past 30 years – Botswana?  Like, do you have a single clue about anything part of the American political system – like just one – JUST ONE CLUE.

Writer:             No wait – So like, this dumb president has this evil vice president, and one day the vice president shoots his friend in the face, and the friend actually apologies to him.

Producer:        Look, they already have that show – it’s called the Sopranos. 

Writer:            Yeah, so don’t use that part.  So next, the dumb president declares victory in Iraq, just before the Marines and Army get their asses wiped by insurgents.  It’s Vietnam all over again.

Producer:        I can’t believe the depth of your ignorance.  America will never, and I mean NEVER, have another Viet Nam.  And Iraq – we're whipping thosse towel heads pretty good right now, don't you think?  There's no way anyone would be stupid enough to invade Iraq again. 

Writer:            Well, the dumb president just, lies – you know, like a school boy bully.  So like, at first he said the US is invading because Iraq was behind the attacks on US soil, but when the New York Times proves that false, they say they are invading because Iraq has nukes and chemicals, but then they invade and they don’t find any, and so then the dumb US president says they are invading Iraq to liberate the Iraqis from the tyranny of Saddam Husain.

Producer:       No one is that stupid, except you, you useless retard.  We don’t start a whole war on a pack of lies, you dweeb.  Hundreds of Americans could get killed in a war like that.

Writer:             Oh, not hundreds – thousands!  Let’s say over four thousand US service men killed, and over thirty thousand wounded. 

Producer:       You have honestly lost your senses, haven’t you?  Nobody, and I mean NO BODY would send THOUSANDS of US soldiers to their deaths in a war built on a stack of lies.  This is the United States of America, not the Soviet Union.

Writer:             Look, I’m almost done.  So in the next election, the Republicans actually find someone stupider than Bush – she’s some bimbo from Alaska, and they put her on the ticket as vice president to a 70 year old presidential candidate who is about to croak like any minute now.

Producer:        Get out of my office

Writer:            No, here’s the best part.  So like, the bimbo loses and goes on the day time television circuit, but the Democrats win and take the White House again, but this time with a BLACK president, and his middle name is Husain.

Producer:        THAT’S IT!!! GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!  RIGHT NOW!!!